“My heart, Oh God, is steadfast; I will sing and make music with all my soul” Psalm 108
I’m at peace.
I cannot have enough words to thank God for these past 60 days for the incredible things He did in my life. There is an amazing FB group, She is Unleashed, that has reached women globally and lives are being changed, transformed, restored and women discover who they really are, what their purpose is. There has been a great shift in lot of women’s lives in that group.
When I got the invitation to join the group, I was hesitant because these FB groups instill indecency in people’s minds and I don’t want to entertain such but this one was different. So I accepted the invitation still wondering what the word “unleashed” exactly meant. What I discovered in the group blew my mind and I loved what God was doing in people’s lives. So I’ve been part of the family, building relationships with women on the other side of the world and funny enough I have women I communicate with regularly but haven’t met in person. The relationship I have with them is better than with those I’ve met face to face. There is genuine love, support, care, lifting each other up, inspirational…
Last year was rough for many of us and some found themselves deep in the pit of despair. It’s hard for them to keep up amidst the challenges unfolded due to the pandemic. It came unexpectedly but truth is lot of things have changed and lot of people lost precious things and loved ones. I wasn’t exclusive because I lost my job and people close to my heart. I had hope that maybe our lives will get back to normal but it didn’t look like it. It was report after another of how rapidly the virus was taking over the world. My hope gradually faded and I was left with just a spark that kept me going.
There were lot of unanswered questions that no one was able to reply to. God seemed far and each day, i drifted from Him.I lost interest in reading the Word, i couldn’t pray, and the restrictions on socializing left me feeling alone in the dessert. It was hard and I remember the other day i went somewhere to just be alone with God so i ask Him questions. I sat there for hours without hearing anything. I cried, I screamed, I wept, I listened but He was quiet. I thought to myself, “The world is terrified and has veen caused to pause or rather stop everything and God also decided to be quiet.
I left the place disappointed and hopeless. I needed to hear something, just a single word from Him but there was nothing. I journal a lot about almost everything so i kept journaling, telling God how i felt about not hearing from Him. For months i couldn’t hear from Him until when He told me to move back home. I was scared, worrying about what’s going to happen when I’m at home and the kids (my sister, niece and nephews) be looking up to me to put food on the table. That’s when I heard Him saying, “I’ll be with you” giving me the scripture from Isaiah 41:10.
What I discovered was that God wasn’t quiet, He was always speaking but the uncertainty caused by the pandemic was louder and that diverted my attention from God to what was happening around me. He showed me all the virtual conferences I attended and that He spoke to me about being unleashed from fear and destruction. Also, the Unmasking the captor where I had to discover the captor and unmask it directly, knowing what I was dealing with. There is a lot and God spoke and spoke.
So I moved back home where He eventually took care of everything. I didn’t have to worry about what to eat or anything (OK, I worried sometimes) but still, He took care of everything. He was there making sure we lacked nothing. At home I cut time I spend on any social media platforms so that I don’t feed myself with unnecessary and depressing information. I could still feel myself far from God, trying to reach Him but there was a barrier.
I waited eargerly for the year to end hoping that at least 2021 will be better. December was better with family gathered together in love. I ended the year with hope, love, peace and positive vibes and my heart was at ease. Unfortunately, we had to disperse to different places and that was the end of laughter and beauty of being together.
I got the new job and I was excited but nervous at the same time. Moving to a new place, to new people caused my heart to pound in my chest. I didn’t know what to expect, fear of the unknown gripped me and at some point I was wondering if I made the right choice. It’s been 7 months and weeks since I started the job. A lot has happened and I’m thankful to God.
God has been opening doors and giving me opportunities to improve my skills. I mentor about 46 hostel girls and this is happening after I completed the masterclass with Destiny Connections that helped me connect with my destiny. That is where I discovered where my heart is. I didn’t plan to run the program this way but God opened the door widely for me and what I had to was walk in. Also, He presented opportunities to develop new skills. I was offered to be responsible for photography in the church or whenever there is any occasion. I was new and there were people who have been members of the church for years but there I was, within a short time God presented opportunities that I said, “Yes Lord”. I saw God because I’m not even a professional photographer, I just know how to hold a camera that’s all. I’ve been learning. I was offered an opportunity to teach the primary students computer. I’m not a pro but because I said “Yes”, my students are the best and God has been holding my hand, helping me do my best in instilling knowledge in those little minds. Sometimes I don’t know what to teach but as I do lesson plan, God intervenes.
There is a lot to mention but all in all, God proved that He “chose” me in different occassions. So still in the journey with Him who promised to “uphold me with His righteous hand” I signed up for the UNDOING challenge presented by Mirriam Knight Wilson who is the founder of the She is Unleashed FB group I mentioned earlier. God has used her tremendously in my life and I knew the challenge was not something to miss. Healing from the past is the process and I joined the challenge knowing that I needed God to UNDO and DISMANTLE things in my life. Spending time with God and journaling has been the most therapeutic for me ever since I learned the significance in journaling. So as I journaled and listened to God, it helped me be intimate and transparent with Him, and that made it easy for me to allow God peel off scales and UNDO. I loved the process especially with ladies God surrounded me with. Lot of things changed, how I see things (my perspective) was what God has been dealing with and He is still on it even today.
After 21 days, I was transformed and restored socially and spiritually. My emotional state improved though I can’t say I was “there” yet. The next challenge was The BECOMING and unexpectedly it was tough, full of tears when God was calling me to “become”. The UNDOING was still in process. I thought “becoming” was going to be smoother but stepping into being me, the authentic person I needed to let go of the mask and the shackles I was holding on to, deceiving myself that it was the safest place to be, I needed to stand “naked” before God and allow Him do what ONLY He can do. I remember weeping because I couldn’t handle the process anymore but God reminded me of Isaiah 41:10 and with this scripture, He gave me strength to keep going.
God is not done with me yet but having the right tools helps me continue with the journey without fear. There path is rocky sometimes but I cry, clean my face and keep going. What’s important is that I gathered enough and all the tricks the enemy tries to pull me down, I know where to run to and what to do. The biggest struggle in both challenges was to believe what God says about me. Sometimes I’d say it with tears welling down but the more I say it, the deeper it sinks. I have affirmations I say to myself, it might not be a big deal for some people but it is for me especially recalling the dungeon I come from. Another thing I took home was the “breathe” exercise that works miraculously for me. It feels like the load is lifting off my shoulders leaving me light. I’m able to concentrate after doing that exercise.
I never knew how to take care of myself but other people. I’m concerned about others, making sure they are OK, they have what they need but I’ve been neglecting myself. It didn’t bother me as long people around me were alright. The challenge didn’t only focus on our spiritual and emotional state, our physical also. So I learned to take care of myself, to rest, to beware of what I feed my body and how I treat myself. This has improved my health. I began workouts, I quit some food that was poison to my body, I drink water a lot and this is improvement. I still struggle with letting go of some food but little steps help.
I’m thank to God for Mirriam. She’s been the best sister since I met her and God has been using her mightily in my life. I pray blessings over her. I thank Him for the ladies I’m walking this journey with. Those “you can do it Thandi” “You are a blessing” “You are enough” “We are here for you Thandi” when I wanted to give up are most appreciated. Those ladies are the best sister globally. I know I can trust them with my worst and be showered with love and support. May God bless and protect them till we finally meet.