The word “unleash” is defined by Cambridge Dictionary as, “To suddenly release a violent force that cannot be controlled”. The synonyms are: release, let loose, let go, set free, unshackle and many more. Something violent is strong and involves force that intends to hurt and damage.
Lot of people have spend their whole lives under the leash and some have settled there. They created themselves comfortable spot and they believe that it is where they should be. The shackles have hurt them until it didn’t hurt anymore. They have wounds that don’t heal, wounds that have been bleeding for years but are hidden. There are those shackles that we felt comfortable with for long in as much as it hurts. We can’t let go.
Have you ever felt like your heart is painful much that you want to rip it off to ease the pain that feels like no remedy will ever heal it? It happens. You are not alone. I’ve been under the leash for years and I lived comfortably with shackles hurting my wrists and ankles whenever I tried to move. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore and I created myself a spot where I can stay. I knew I needed freedom, i knew I needed healing, I knew I wanted to be whole, I knew I wanted to be who God created me to be but fear gripped me every time I thought of leaving my comfort zone.
Fear, shame and guilt couldn’t allow me. Imagining myself being a different and new person I didn’t remember how it felt to be, threatened me. I opted to be where I was used to be and be the person I knew for years. The problem with this person I’d become was that I hid behind the mask. I admit that it felt safe to wear the mask and be someone else but the pretense killed my whole being(spirit, soul and body). I couldn’t be myself before God. I couldn’t stand before God naked without hiding anything. I focused more on being the person God can accept than focusing on God who accepts the raw me.
My soul wept for peace. I felt sick in my body to my soul. My body felt sick and it overwhelmed my soul. Medication was not enough, injection was not enough. I needed a remedy that will heal not just the external pain.
I wanted to be free. Praying didn’t help me. My life was a dilemma. I was caught up between seeking for help, tell my story and be free or rather sit in silence and drown in my sorrows. I convinced myself that I’ll overcome the pain without exposing my brokenness to anyone. I believed that no one would want to listen to my junk so I’d better keep it to myself. Depression saw a door open and made its way in. My biggest fear was to face another day. I loved the night, the dark where no one would look at me, where I’d cry my lungs out, where I’d sleep and wish I never woke up. Life felt better in the dark.
Sometimes I imagined how it is to live in freedom, how it feels to be completely healed. I lived in my fantasies about freedom and healing, and it felt awesome but the reality scared me. Healing scared me, freedom scared me, taking off my mask scared me. I couldn’t stand showing the real self because of shame. People were gonna laugh at me, were gonna reject me and love the person behind the mask. I had to present someone they will love and accept but the non-existing person.
I remember at the university, everything was falling apart. I was dealing with crisis after another. One day after the lecture, I stood from the third floor and thought that if I jumped, it would be the end of my sorrows. I was tired of living in despair and affliction that pierced to my heart. Pain knows its way to the heart. Reaching out for help was the best decision. I met this amazing woman who walked with me. Thankful to technology because we did the sessions on phone but it always felt we talked face to face. I was referred to her by the overseer of the church. She was busy preparing to move to the USA but she offered to help me go through healing process. That was priceless.
Peeling off scales, being tranparent and honest about my pain was rough. I wanted to give up and go back to my shackles, atleast i wouldn’t have to deal with emotions and relived skeletons. What helped me was honesty. I’d tell Mrs Mirriam Knight Wilson that the route had thorns and I couldn’t continue. She was patient and didn’t rush me. Her love and acceptance gave me strength to continue. It became better each day and I saw progress. I learned to journal. Communicating my feelings and emotions with my journal was therapeutic also.
My life changed, my viewpoint changed and my attitude changed. I learned to stand and run to God. After the sessions, there were challenges still but my approach was different. The only struggle was that I would always feel guilty and drift from God whenever I messed up, thinking that God’s angry with me. I’d not feel free, the freedom I found the moment I opened up with Mrs Wilson. I’m still in the process and sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s rough but I do enjoy the journey and cry on the road.
Taking you back to the word “unleash”. Am I unleashed? My small victories give me the confidence to say that I’m not yet there, I haven’t reached but YES I’m UNLEASHED. It doesn’t feel like it sometimes. I do feel discouraged, hopeless, I do feel like I’m alone, I do feel overwhelmed, I do feel that it’s painful when the wound is cleaned and dressed, it’s painful when the wound has the dead cell which need to be removed and pressed for the pus to come out but it’s worth it. So, yes I’m UNLEASHED.
If you are a woman and you come across this and read it, know that this is me, my story. You have yours and you know in your heart that you too need healing, you need freedom, you need that wound be cleaned, reach out for help and break the silence. You are loved, accepted and appreciated. As you seek help, search She is Unleashed and join the group on Facebook. That is a safe space for you. Who knows? You might find someone who will walk with you till you are on your feet again in there. So join the family and be among beautifully flawed daughters of the Most High.
If you feel you need professional help, go to
You will meet with a selfless lady who’ll walk the journey with you till you conquer